Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in Andrewsan's LiveJournal:

Sunday, January 25th, 2009
12:06 pm	live journal it is then... I have kept my presence on the internet to a minimum for the last few years. Not out of conscious desire, I just don't tend naturally to communicate that way anymore. This morning, however, I woke up and started writing something and had no idea what I wanted to do with it. Then I remembered. I HAVE A LIVEJOURNAL! So. I've decided to post my probably self absorbed and pretentious musings for everyone to see. Lucky you :) By training a generation of literary critics we have manufactured a class of people who are envious of poets, desire very little more than to become one, yet who very likely never will be because they intuitively go about it the wrong way. In school, the teacher always gave us a poem, (which I at least barely ever had the vocabulary of concepts and experiences to actually understand,) and asked us what it meant. If we came up with something clever, we were praised regardless of whether we were right. This system creates clever people, but not poets. Because I was taught this way, when I read a poem, I try to break it down and figure out what it means, both in the context of itself, any larger work, its era, and my own world. This exercise is useful, and it is a way of getting much from the work; the stuff put there by the author no more or less valuable than what is spontaneously generated by the process. The problem is that when I go to try to actually write poetry, I instinctively try to reverse this process. It doesn’t work. I’m beginning to realize that taking a complex set of ideas about the world and trying to boil them down into a poem that way is more an exercise in pretentious and mean spirited obfuscation than anything noble. Also, it leads to really bad poetry. Occasionally this sort of mimicry will produce something beautiful, and I’m sure there are also some great poets out there for whom the writing of a poem is a painstaking craft. Every word chiseled, or lowered into place by massive mental machinery. For me, writing that way is like trying to reassemble Humpty Dumpty, and just as fruitful. For me, and there must be others like me, there has to be a better way, and I don’t think it has much to do with academic scholarship or cleverness. There is a reason writers, especially poets, are often associated with serendipity or divine inspiration. As I experience it, writing good poetry is much less like a construction project, and more like peeing my name in the snow. I sort of direct the flow and final arrangements of the letters, but the actual substance was created by an internal filter over which I have almost no conscious control. (This is a fun analogy to play with. First of all, it is self deprecating but probably true to compare the best poetry I’ve ever written to a sterile waste product. Also, I’m melting a crude symbol of myself into the cold coating of the world, how emo. Is reading Hunter Thompson like eating asparagus?) What I’m getting at, is that to write good poetry I have to read a lot of it. Then, when I sit down to write, I block my stream of consciousness with a sieve crudely constructed by my subconscious, and what comes out is way better than anything I’ve ever tried consciously to produce. Of all the teachers I ever had, only one ever tried to teach me this. He was brilliant, pretentious, prolific, and mean, and he boiled the message down so far that I didn’t really get it, even though it was slapping me in the face. What he said over and over again was: “to write good poetry you have to read poetry, lots of it.” Simple enough right? Almost absurdly so. So simple I missed the meaning (just like a poem, heh.) I understood on a basic level that this should work, that it made sense, but I never understood why. I thought that he meant that through hard work, and lots of studying I would eventually build the tools I needed to build the better poem. Thus, I promptly ignored him and went off to be lazy. I didn’t understand that what he really meant was that through voraciously and lovingly devouring other poetry, I would somehow and mysteriously warp my own mind into a proper conduit from which new works would spring. Nor could I really have understood, since at the time I was in college for the reasons most people go there in America these days. I didn’t really love what I was doing, not enough to sacrifice the other things I loved, or not enough that it wouldn’t be a sacrifice. (I wonder about education sometimes, since so often, years later I have an epiphany hard won from life experience and realize that my sparkling new idea is really only just what my teacher, parent, friend tried to teach me many years ago, but I missed the point till now. Maybe it is a product of being trained to think critically, that I have to learn everything the hard way. We are taught that no question is a bad question, and our opinion matters. It goes against our scientific nature to really trust another person’s word on faith.) I’ve had the desire to write poetry again lately, but my few attempts have been scattered and frustrating, certainly not producing anything anyone would want to read. Then recently I sat down and started reading Shakespeare. While this isn’t the first time I’ve done so for enjoyment rather than formal education, it is the first time I have done so purely, and not in some significant part for the feeling of supposed intellectual superiority it would give me. Though the few attempts at writing and the reading may have had similar impetus, they were not consciously connected, yet after I finished sitting in the dark reading Julius Caesar aloud to myself, and probably freaking out my roommate, I sat down to write something and it actually came out. Lines hit the page that said what I was trying to express, they sounded right, and they were pretty. I hadn’t searched the list of symbols in my mind and compared them, finding one with a connection just tenuous enough to be clever, yet understandable, then massaging it into place among the other words. I just wrote it. I guess I write poetry the way I don’t use calculus to catch a baseball… who knew. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 19th, 2005
1:39 pm	normality Wow, I'm finally posting when nothing monumental or stupendous has happened. I just generally feel out of touch. Since April and I broke up, and most of the U-district people got really busy with graduation or new relationships or other stuff, I just don't seem to talk to people much anymore. (Not trying sound whiny, and I don't begrudge anybody anything they are doing). It just seems wierd that while I used to get 2-3 voicemails a day on my phone, now I get about 1 a week. Anyway, I'm not unhappy, and I get to see people still, so maybe I should stop bitching. On that note, the screen on my cell phone broke, so I lost most people's numbers. If your on Tom's contact list of the u-district people, don't worry about it, but anyone else, if you haven't heard from me in awhile, you might want to give me a call, and remember if you get my voicemail to leave your number verbally. Well, self pity, on to specifics. Dave: give me a call, we should talk about Bumbershoot, and Camping, and I found an interesting new club/place to party that you and I should go to sometime. I think you'd like it. Gamenight People: I miss you guys. Generally ever since gamenight moved to phoenix, and since I realized that I was so tired and snarky by the time I was getting there that I was just annoying the hell out of everyone but Gahon with my rules lawyering, I've been erring on the side of caution and staying home and resting on Wednesday's. My Wednesday night magic drafts may start up again soon, but until then I'd like to see everyone again. From browsing the ljs it looks like there was some sort of shake-up awhile back, so if anyone can give me the low-down on whats been happening lately (new people, new games, etc...) feel free to comment. Eric, give me a call when you get back from Gen-Con if you aren't back already, we should talk anyway and catch up, and I need to get your number again (see above). Gahon and Mandy, same, call me, I lost your number when I lost my last phone (I know I live with people who have it, but I'm a lazy bastard, what can I say) I miss you guys. Jim, as always I hate you, you should come join our new star wars game so you can kill storm troopers when we get to that era. My schedule lately has looked something like this. Monday: Gaming. Tuesdays: Was poker night, will soon be free. Wenesdays: Drafting or resting. Thursday: Usually free up till now, will probably be Poker Night. Friday: 1/2 gaming, 1/2 other random social stuff Saturday: Nothing weekly but usually gets filled with something. Sunday: Same as Saturday. Work is Mon-Fri 9:00 to 6:00. If anyone wants to get together, just give me a call or reply to this message. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
4:14 pm	Hmm... well something momentus enough to cause me to post on livejournal has happened. Not sure how I feel about it, pretty much in shock really. April and I (for those of you who don't know me, April is my girlfriend/fiance of almost six years now) have decided to end our relationship. Many people, probably won't see this as a surprise, others will, but basically, now that its happened, it feels like its been a long time coming. I don't know how broken up I'm going to be. I think I've gotten most of my tears and pain out of the way on the long road to this point, and am basically looking forward to the initial sting wearing off an being able to rebuild. Then again, there may be a brick wall right in front of me and I have my eyes closed. I'm really not sure, and both are distinct possiblities. I guess this goes to show that no matter how much you love and care about someone, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be married to them. I really hope I can still have her as part of my life. I care a lot about what happens to her, we just don't work that well together... Anyway, I'll keep the analysis brief, as I could probably write for ages and not get any further, and it would just end up boring everybody. Hopefully the result will be a fun new Andrew with more time to spend with everyone. I may post here more to work my thoughts out in the coming days/weeks, but knowing my previous habits, I'm not sure, but I will at least check the comments. I know there are a bunch of people I've been ignoring, and again its nothing personal, all this background stuff going on was a major part of the reason. If you haven't heard from me in awhile, comment to this, or give me a call or an email. I miss all you guys. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 15th, 2005
3:01 pm	stuff Hmm... Well, I've been lurking around other people's journals for a few weeks, I guess its time to post here again. I'm on my break at work, and this as been a really busy day. I'm glad its friday, I need some rest. I'm happy to say that I'm actually getting to work out now, and if I can ever manage to stop myself from eating huge meals all the time I might actually get in shape. What, might you ask, could finally motivate Andrew to get off his a$$? The answer... DANSU! Yes, I have purchased the crack that is DDR, and along with my friend Louis (no livejournal yet as far as I know) we have modded the pads to stick to the floor and be more like the arcade. I still suck at the game, and probably look like an idiot playing it, but I love it and I get to do it in the privacy of my own home. SO HA! says the uncoordinated fat white guy. As to the rest of my life, I guess I'm doing ok, although these are hard times. My roommates Gavin and Michell (livejournal crispengray and grayarcadian... sorry for the lack of linkage, I never even learned to crawl when it comes to html) have been dealing with the loss of Gavin's sister-in-law Sam, who left us far too soon due to an agressive form of cancer. She leaves behind a husband and two kids. Though I have only met them a few times, and Sam only once, the four of them shine in my memory as one of the best families I have come across in my life. I would love to write more, my mind is spinning and I need a break from work, but sadly my break is over, so until next time, Love to everyone who manages to find my little corner of the net. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
7:35 pm	well well well I think the nearly two years since my last post has to be some kind of record. Its a testament to the longevity of livejournal I suppose. Reading my posts circa 2003 has certainly been an interesting flashback. Normally I just can't make myself fool around with the web enough to regularly use something like this, but several things in my life have brought me back here. One: Sages of Chaos. My roommates are absolutely addicted to this super hero advice column community. At this point I think there must be a post from every fictional character conceived, in this universe or any other. Now I don't pretend to get half of the references, and thus don't read it as religously as my friends, but sometimes i like to keep in touch with what everyone else is talking about, and sometimes there are things I want to say that I can't put in the mouth of some super hero/villian/myth/god/etc... Two: Emotional Stormfront. My life has been pretty relaxed in its usual state of stable chaos for the last year and a half or so, and it feels like a thunderstorm of change and general emotional rollercoasterness (new word... MINE!) may present the need for an outlet that can only be filled by a blog. Who would have thought that posting your innermost thoughts in a public forum for every computer savvy person you know, and tons of people you don't, to dissect at their leisure could be therapeutic! Three: www.solardeathray.com. I want to get people to check out this site, created by my brilliant and witty friend Louis, and livejournal seemed like the ideal place to recruit geeks and non-geeks alike to come watch us burn stuff. (Shameless Plug) I am aware that there are many people on here that I have not seen in a couple years. I can assure all of you that this is not due to any animosity on my part. As far as I can recall there is no one I've lost touch with that I do not miss and regret doing so. If there is any bad blood, there is really nothing I can do to reverse it other than to humbly request to start over. My friends page is currently clogged with Sages posts, and I don't know how to filter it yet, so I haven't had a chance to take a look at anyone elses journals, and as a result, please post any contact attempts as comments to this message, or email ammcd_45@hotmail.com Current Mood: sneezy Current Music: none (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2003
1:14 pm	Since I'm not too efficient at using this as a communications tool rather than a place to rant Ill just make this a post that way too many people get to read even though all it says is: We need to arrange logistics for the Bellingham trip tonight... I'm not at home, and since April might object to me posting her number on the net for all to read, i will keep checking your lj for info or you can email me at ammcd@u.washington.edu (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2003
2:35 pm	i read the rules on temporary hit points, and all i have to say is W00t! they do go away first, and if they run out you return to the hit point total you had before the casting unless you are currently lower, then your hit points remain the same... go vampiric touch... now if only i hadn't gotten pushed of a tower by icky things. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2003
1:37 pm	Eric, the fact that you were not on aim when i checked has forced me to open this huge can of worms called live journal with my glacially slow dialup connection. livejournal for me has become sort of like that half a tuna sandwich you know you put in the fridge back in 1986 and you think has set up some sort of dictatorship over the condiments. Lots of people use this regularly, people I know and like and miss talking to on a semi-daily basis, but my seemingly geneticly based aversion to spending time on any form of web based communication device makes opening this almost as painful as it could be rewarding.... but enough bitching, would you mind calling me at my house to discuss Bellingham tonight. I would like to go but do you think you could drive. If so/not where and when do you want to meet etc... talk to you in a bit. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 6th, 2002
4:00 pm	Well... I had a great time at the Farscape game last night. Any session where you get to dive through someones legs and then hang on kicking and screaming to someone elses jail sail has to be entertaining. I like the group, and am very glad to be in a game with people who aren't exclusively d&d players and almost exclusively annoying about it. Anyway, I'm using one of the work computers and should probably go now even though I'm technically off. I should be in marysville most of this weekend doing homework, so my home number should reach me if anyone wants to get ahold of me. Later. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
12:25 pm	Eric have you seen this: http://www.settlers3d.net/ I assume you probably have, but if not, check it out. After trying to play the version at the site you told me about, the art is much appreciated on this one. I just found it, so I havent gotten a chance to check it out much yet, but it looks worth a look if you know what I mean, anyway, see you wednesday. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 18th, 2002
3:25 pm	Well... I will be in the U-district tonight, probably focused mostly in mercer. I'm just about finished at work, woohooo! Had an odd, very fast week, thought I was getting sick, but feel better today, so thats good. No time for any personal introspection, gtg, hope to run into some of you this weekend. Current Mood: fuzzy Current Music: none :( (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
3:35 pm	Gaming night Eric, I'm not going to be able to make random gaming night tonight. I've got a pile of homework backed up. Hope it goes well anyway. If you want to get together sometime before next wednesday, let me know by email at ammcd@u.washington.edu (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 10th, 2002
12:57 pm	Sitting in Odegaard. Not having a room/computer down here at the U is not that bad. For those of you who havent heard from me in awhile, I'm living with my parents (lame, but not that much so) in Marysville while I finish my final quarter at UW. The only real problems I have are 1. that I'm so busy all the time, and the drive back has been cutting into sleep instead of stuff, thus making me tired all the time as well. I spend some nights here at various places, but couches and floors aren't all that restful. And 2. That I haven't gotten to cardhaus since school started! Dave: we need to hang out one of these days after you get off work. I've heard how busy and tired you are as well, probably so much that you would put me to shame, but let me know when you will have some time. I know I'm a hypocrit in asking this, but what the fuck. Eric: game night was fun, you've got quite a crowd. I feel like the baby a little bit, but its interesting. I can't see how no one believes Michelle and Jess are twins, they exactly alike in a lot of ways... but different in some I'll grant. I mentioned to my friend from Hong Kong that we are watching Shaolin Soccer next week. He said he has the movie but he doensn't think the jokes will translate over well... I told him thats the point :) Allan: let me know if you want to have lunch again one of these days. I'll try to check this more often. Danny: I read a few of my back messages... what job did you get. It sounds pretty good from what I read. We need to catch up too. I'll try to make it by cardhaus soon. I'm hanging out at my friend Geoff's tonight, planning for our D&D game. So I guess I'll be driving down near Port Orchard and spending the night. Got to go to go make a few phone calls and go to class now. will update again soon. -Andrew (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
7:57 pm	Hmmmm.... Well, I'm sitting at my girlfriends house in marysville. It's her brothers birthday, and we just had a barbeque. All in all good fun. I missed the sacramento trip because I decided that it wasn't worth someone having to pay my 30 bucks in gas. That someone being Canova, who Is an amazingly nice person for offering. I haven't gotten back down to Cardhaus since thursday to give him his money back or thank him profusely again for the offer, but that should get taken care of tommorrow. I'm sure I missed a lot of fun, and am sorry I didn't get to spend the weekend with my friends, but I can't say it was a bad decision considering how tired I've been this weekend even with reasonable amounts of sleep. On the upside I went to a magic tournament at the everett mall wotc... wait a sec, did I just say upside... anyway, I beat a bunch of newbies and took second tied with greg behind the one decent player there. As a side note, greg should have beaten him, did beat him final round in fact, as he went 5-0, but they run this fucked up system where you only get 2 points and your opponent gets 1 if it goes to three games. This means nothing compared to the fact that I won 5 packs of judgement that will hopefully keep me drafting at cardhaus despite the fact I have no money. Anyway, I'm looking forward to coming back down to seattle, and should hit cardhaus tommorrow around 4:30. I have to work at UW at 2 tommorrow, and at 11:30 tuesday. Actually, Allan, if you read this, I was wondering if I could crash on your floor tommorrow night. I know you said it was ok whenever, but I thought I'd give you a heads up. In other news, I still dont have a summer job, and despite the fact that driving down to seattle for 10 hours a week of work provides me an excuse to spend a lot of time at the store, the lack of money to pay bills kinda sucks. I'm spending tommorrow morning turning in applications and looking in general. Overall a good weekend actually, starting to think that living in marysville for the summer might not be a bad thing, nor cut me off from my friends too badly. Feeling generally happy for once. See you all soon. -Andrewsan (Comment on this)